Who we are is a product of where we have been. Psychotherapists usually understand this in respect of a given patient’s personal history - the absent father, the critical mother, the jealous sibling, the abusive cousin - but equally, there can be no denying the importance of one’s social history either. The areas we live in, the schools we attend, the quantity and quality of our caregiving, the various affirmations and discriminations that come our way - each of these experiences is layered in complex ways by social, economic and political forces far beyond the control of any single person.

I mentioned before that emotions can be contagious. If you are the helper and there is a transference from the past onto you, you are in danger of getting caught up in it and playing your role unconsciously in that narrative— countertransference. You may find yourself in the middle of a highly emotional drama and not aware of what is taking place. You don’t realize that your client has found a doctor or an uncle in you. I remember a client telling me that I reminded her of a former boyfriend who, like me, was interested in art and music and spirituality. That’s all it took for a transference to form. If I had unconsciously felt her interest in me through her old boyfriend, I might have developed a countertransference, an added layer of interest due to the eros flowing between us. That could be a useful complication, but it could also cause trouble. In this case I kept my wits about me and cautiously used the frisson of the boyfriend to keep the therapy warm and deep. A therapist always needs a seat in the back row, where she can watch the drama as it unfolds. She should have the skill to observe several levels playing out at once. At the same time, she has to play her part in the action. She has to be involved with a heightened level of awareness. It is particularly dangerous to get caught in a transference/countertransference because you may intensify the narrative that is causing the person so much pain, and, of course, in that state you can hardly find your way out to clarity and freedom.

We all carry our early relationships inside of us; psychoanalysis made hay out of this fact in its concept of transference. When we are fortunate enough to find someone to love, these early relationships, hidden in our unconscious, are unlocked. When they are understood as reflections of the past, the energy they contain can infuse and enrich one’s current relationships. When taken as present-day fact instead of archaic fantasy, though, they can be incredibly destructive, the horse carrying the rider far from where he really wants to go.

6: Shifting Connections

“We cannot regenerate ourselves in isolation. We develop in and through our relationships with others—the master teaches the apprentice a new craft; the mentor guides a protégé through the passage to an inner circle; the council of peers monitors the standards of a professional group, conferring status within the community. Yet, when it comes to reinventing ourselves, the people who know us best are also the ones most likely to hinder rather than help. They may wish to be supportive but they tend to reinforce— or even desperately try to preserve—the old identities we are seeking to shed.

Changing careers is not merely a matter of changing the work we do. It is as much about changing the relationships that matter in our professional lives. Shifting connections refers to the practice of finding people who can help us see and grow into our new selves, people we admire, would like to emulate, and with whom we want to spend time. All reinventions require social support.

First, start with yourself. What kinds of automatic reactions do you have to your family members? Are you passing judgment based on past experiences, and foreclosing the opportunity for something different to happen?

One simple thing we can all do is to notice when we find ourselves wanting someone to be different than they are. We can ask ourselves, What if I just let this person be themselves without passing judgment? How would this moment be different? Recognizing another person for who they are and meeting them where they are can go a long way toward deepening a connection.

Second, routines are important. We mentioned in Chapter Seven that one way to enliven intimate relationships is to step out of routines. While breaking up routines can also be great for families who find themselves stuck in the doldrums, the fact is that family relationships are often defined by their regular contact. This is true for families that live under the same roof together, and it’s especially true for families that are living apart. Regular get-togethers, dinners, phone calls, and text messages all serve, in combination, to glue a family together. As life changes and becomes more complicated, finding new rituals can help keep family connections alive when they would otherwise wither. Regular contact used to happen more often through religious events like baptisms, Ramadan, and bar/bat mitzvahs. These still occur of course, but as the world becomes more secular, some families struggle to find replacements.