The outsized affective component involved in these performances constitutes one of the hallmarks of the unconscious reaction formation. The desire for whiteness - which is unconscious - is so threatening that it must be defended at all costs. The conscious mind responds, therefore, with an emotional discharge that, while ostensibly an overreaction, is in fact directly proportional to this unconscious sense of threat.

At my best, I see psychotherapy in the same light. Many people who come to therapy are disgusted with themselves for one reason or another, much as the Buddha was in his own time and in his own way. This disgust can take many forms: shame, fear, anxiety, or feelings of unworthiness are common expressions of it, but the possibilities are endless. Some people even develop what is called a “reaction formation” and seem the opposite of disgusted. They come across as prideful or conceited and unwilling to admit their faults or self-doubts. But these individuals are often just propping themselves up, creating a false front to mask their vulnerabilities, and somewhere inside they are troubled because they know they are not being real.

In some way, this is what I want to convey to April. We all wish we could just eliminate the dysfunctional parts of us. In pushing against what we do not like in ourselves, we get more knotted up. The shame, discomfort, embarrassment, and pain just reinforce the hold the whole thing has over us, and, in the process, we over-identify with an aspect of ourselves that does not need to define us so completely. Seeing this overidentification clearly is what I think of as insight.

... the patterned reactivity of the human body. When Barbara “saw” a person who looked like an authority figure with control over her - Irving the course leader - she had a tremendous emotional reaction and an asthma attack. She had probably behaved this way thousand of times before, always in the same manner, without any awareness of her role in creating or generating her reaction. Barbara believed the Irvings in her life were causing her to respond this way. She was a victim.

So when you bump up against something about your partner that bothers you, before reacting, pause to watch, and take note of your reactions and what you are thinking.

Then interpret your feelings and try to make sense of what’s going on.

Ask: Why is this issue important to me? What exactly is my view? Where does it come from? Is this something I learned from my family growing up? Something I learned from previous relationships? Something that was emphasized in my religious training?

Then, the harder part: try to step into your partner’s shoes. Why is my partner having such a strong reaction, behaving in this particular way, thinking this particular thing? Why might it be important to my partner and where might my partner have learned this? Where is it coming from?