She continued to read and he was almost asleep when Peter heard her say, âI missed her more than ever this time. Everywhere we were made me think of her, I almost thought Iâd see her if I turned my head.â
He was fully awake now.
âSometimes I think I see her too,â Peter said, âout of the corner of my eye. If you can see a feeling.â
âYes, I think you can.
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She couldnât, but she said something that changed my life. "Watch her carefully right now," she said, "because sheâs teaching you how to live."
I remind myself of this when I cannot get any work done: to live as if I am dying, because the truth is we are all terminal on this bus. To live as if we are dying gives us a chance to experience some real presence. Time is so full for people who are dying in a conscious way, full in the way that life is for children. They spend big round hours. So instead of staring miserably at the computer screen trying to will my way into having a breakthrough, I say to myself, "Okay, hmmm, letâs see. Dying tomorrow. What should I do today?" Then I can decide to read Wallace Stevens for the rest of the morning or go to the beach or just really participate in ordinary life. Any of these will begin the process of filling me back up with observations, flavors, ideas, visions, memories. I might want to write on my last day on earth, but Iâd also be aware of other options that would feel at least as pressing. I would want to keep whatever I did simple, I think. And I would want to be present.
She grew larger. From within, Bird thrummed against her: his heels the mallets, her belly the drum. She could feel his hiccups, a microscopic ping. When he turned over, she felt the movement inside her stillness. Whatâs it feel like, Ethan asked, wondrous, and she tried to explain: what the ocean floor felt as the waves rolled out, then in. The librarian slid another book across the counter toward her as she ventured farther and farther from shore.
Somewhere, maybe, someone is telling someone else: Listen, this crazy thing happened the other night and I canât stop thinking about it. Days later, weeks even, Margaretâs voice still lodged in the crevices of their brain, the stories theyâve heard a pin completing a circuit, lighting up feelings that have long lain dark. Illuminating corners of themselves they hadnât known. Listen, Iâve been thinking. Eight million people, all those stories passing from mouth to ear. Would one person be compelled? One out of eight million, a fraction of a fraction. But not nothing. Absorbing that story, passing it on. Listen. Somewhere, out there, saying to others at last: Listen, this isnât right.
Yes, she lifted her arms above her head to wave. Only her hat and gloves and the powdery yellow blur of the streetlamps were visible against the whiteness of sky and earth. He could barely feel his feet or his fingers, but the rest of him was warm, almost hot, from walking. He pulsed with the sight of her, the vestige of her. She was everything that mattered to him. He felt inviolable trust.
When she arrived the day after, there was another woman in the studio. Very young. That was the first moment she understood her work might be good.
That night, she was glad Anna could not see her tears as she pressed the phone to her ear, aching to her daughterâs dear voice. She was calmed by Annaâs stories of her day and the thought of her making supper, even in her kitchen so far away.