Pooled interdependence is least demanding. That’s when organizations combine, or “roll up,” the separate and independent efforts of people or parts.

Interdependence is Iterative…

What I have been studying by being hyper-aware inside my life is how much being interdependent is a series of small repetitive motions. Here are some of the things I have had to do repeatedly towards interdependence:

1. Be seen.

Initially with defensiveness (I am not like you say I am) even/especially in the face of experts (I have diagnosed myself, I know what is wrong with me).

And then, perhaps, without agency. Being seen is actually non-negotiable, though I can hide, or I can determine my level of grace and relationship in it. On so many levels, interdependence requires being seen, as much as possible, as your true self.

Meaning that your capacity and need are transparent.

Meaning even when I don’t want to look in the mirror, I am (and I choose to be) open to the attention of others. Sometimes I start with my woes, those with whom I am coevolving through friendship. I show something I’ve been hiding, and hope I’m still lovable. This generally goes better than could be expected, every single time.

Life is, by nature, highly interdependent. To try to achieve maximum effectiveness through independence is like trying to play tennis with a golf club—the tool is not suited to the reality. Interdependence is a far more mature, more advanced concept. If I am physically interdependent, I am self-reliant and capable, but I also realize that you and I working together can accomplish far more than, even at my best, I could accomplish alone. If I am emotionally interdependent, I derive a great sense of worth within myself, but I also recognize the need for love, for giving, and for receiving love from others. If I am intellectually interdependent, I realize that I need the best thinking of other people to join with my own.

Self-mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others. Some people say that you have to like yourself before you can like others. I think that idea has merit, but if you don’t know yourself, if you don’t control yourself, if you don’t have mastery over yourself, it’s very hard to like yourself, except in some short-term, psych-up, superficial

way. Real self-respect comes from dominion over self, from true independence. And that’s the focus of Habits 1, 2, and 3. Independence is an achievement. Interdependence is a choice only independent people can make.

Habit 5 is powerful because it is right in the middle of your Circle of Influence. Many factors in interdependent situations are in your Circle of Concern—problems, disagreements, circumstances, other people’s behavior. And if you focus your energies out there, you deplete them with little positive results. But you can always seek first to understand. That’s something that’s within your control.