Scientific research sheds new light on the mental phenomenon of pulling out. In his book, The Bond of Power, Joseph Chilton Pearce tells of the research of psychologist Burton White of Harvard’s Child Development Center. After finding that about one child in thirty is brilliant and happy, White did a great deal of research to determine what demographic or psychological characteristics distinguished those children. But the children came from a wide variety of backgrounds - rich and poor, small families and large, broken and stable homes, poorly and well-educated parents - and from all parts of the U.S. Finally, through extensive questioning, he determined that the brights and happy children had only one thing in common: All of them spent noticeable amounts of time staring peacefully and wordlessly into space.

In a landmark study on homicide and suicide, it was observed that the lower social strata - due to chronic feelings of powerlessness - tended to project blame onto others and, therefore, were more prone to acts of homicide than suicide. By contrast, the more affluent classes - given their developed sense of self-efficacy - tended to internalise blame and, accordingly, were more inclined to commit suicide than homicide. Several studies have confirmed the aforementioned finding regarding the inverse relationship between socioeconomic status and homicide-suicide ratios.

Suggestion #2: Learning New Dance Steps

We get better at what we practice, and without realizing it we can become very talented at doing things that are not in our interest. Sterling Ainsley, for example, had gotten better and better at avoiding closeness and connection. He had good reason; even though he had his sister, Rosalie, there with him during the first years of his life, she couldn’t stop his father’s abuse, and his family of origin was pulled apart when his father committed his mother to the sanitarium. When Sterling moved to the farm, he could no longer see Rosalie on a regular basis, and this was painful to him. So he carried his fears of close relationships far into his adult life. With the exception of his adoptive mother, he never established that crucial sense of safety and security with another person, let alone with multiple people. Without necessarily articulating it to himself, he lived his life assuming that he would be happier, or at least safer, without close contacts. Being close to others, he believed, was a risk.

She was honest with him about how much this concerned her, and Joseph was well aware of her concern, telling the Study on several occasions that Olivia often told him how difficult he was to truly know. “I’m self-sufficient,” he said. “My biggest weakness is not leaning on anybody. I’m just made that way.” Joseph was tuned in enough to other people that he could see and articulate their difficulty with him, but he could never get past a core, deeply rooted fear that is not uncommon: he didn’t want to be a burden, or to feel anything but fully independent. Though he attended Harvard, Joseph came from humble beginnings, and told the Study that he learned the value of self-sufficiency as a child on his family farm, where he spent days on end operating a horse-drawn plow alone.

Those children who had a complicated illness at birth, who had poor experiences with their caretakers, and who suffered abuse were more likely to have mental health problems and to develop learning disabilities. Their childhood experience really mattered.

But Werner also found reasons for hope. One third of all children who had adverse childhoods still managed to develop into attentive, kind, and emotionally well-adjusted adults. These kids overcame their difficult childhoods, and Werner was able to point to some of the reasons.

There were protective factors at work for some children that countered the effects of their difficult childhoods. One of the major sources of protection was the consistent presence of at least one caring adult. Even one person who is concerned, available, and emotionally invested in a child’s well-being can positively affect that child’s development and future relationships. Some of the children who thrived despite adversity seemed particularly able to elicit this kind of caring support.