Dysfunctional Belief: Networking is just hustling people—it’s slimy.

Reframe: Networking is just asking for directions.

Multiple studies confirm this—most of us like being helpful. It’s hard-wired into our DNA. We are social creatures, and helping one another is one of the things that makes us feel best. Kurt didn’t know his way around the sustainable architecture industry in Atlanta. You may not know your way around the nanotechnology community in Hong Kong, or the craft beer crowd in Wichita, or the emergency-room nursing union in Seattle. What do you do? You ask a local for directions. Getting referrals to people whose stories would be useful to hear is just the professional equivalent of asking directions. So go ahead—ask for directions. It’s. No. Big. Deal. “Network” is more noun than verb. The point isn’t to “do” network-ing; the goal is to participate in the network. Simply put, it just means to enter into a particular community that’s having a particular conversation (such as sustainable architecture). Every domain of human endeavor is held together by a web of relationships between people. Real people. That web is the fabric that undergirds, contains, and holds together that part of society. The Stanford “network” that we are a part of holds Stanford together. The Silicon Valley “network” is the loose community of West Coast folk that allows tech entrepreneurship to flourish. Most individuals have both a professional network (of colleagues) and a personal network (of friends and family).

Once you’ve got a good set of people, it’s time to ask: What is the character of these relationships?

Emotional Closeness and Confiding

Who knows everything (or most things) about you?

Who can you call on when you’re feeling low and be honest with them about how you’re feeling?

Who can you ask for advice (and trust what they say)?

Identity Affirmation and Shared Experience

Is there someone in your life who has shared many experiences with you and who helps strengthen your sense of who you are and where you’ve come from?

So tomorrow when you get up and go to work, consider a few questions:

• Who are the people I most enjoy and value at work, and what is it about them that is valuable? Am I appreciating them?

• Who is different from me in some way (who thinks differently, comes from a different background, has different expertise), and what can I learn from that person?

• If I’m having a conflict with another worker, what can I do to alleviate it? Would the W.I.S.E.R. model be useful?

• What kinds of connections am I missing at work that I might want more of? Could I imagine a way to make these connections more likely, or richer?

• Do I really know my workmates? Is there someone I’d like to know better? How can I reach out to them? You might even pick that person with whom you seem to have the least in common, and make a point to be curious and ask about something that they’ve displayed, like pictures of family or pets or a T-shirt they wear at work.