First, listen without commenting.
Then, try to communicate what youâve heard your partner say without judgment (this is the hard part). You might begin with something like: What Iâm hearing you say is ___. Is that right?
A second technique that is helpful in its own right and can make reflective listening even more valuable is to offer some understanding of your partnerâs reasons for a feeling or behavior. The goal is not to point out your brilliance and ability to see things your partner cannot, but to let your partner know that you see them. You want to communicate that it makes sense that she feels this way or that he is behaving in that way, and to nurture that bedrock of empathy and affection that research has shown to be valuable. For example, you might say, It makes sense that you feel so strongly about this... and then continue with something like: since you care so much about being kind. Or: ... since this was the way youâve described things happening in your family growing up.
A third useful practice is to try to step back a bit from the conversation, a practice that psychologists call âself-distancing,â and look at your experience as if you are watching someone else. You might notice the thoughts that this person (i.e., you) is having, and recognize them as fleeting thoughts that may shift. This is a technique that shares much in common with mindfulness approaches, and the psychologists Ethan Kross and Ozlem Ayduk have done a lot of research showing its utility. Together these practices may help you to get started with challenging conversations and hang in there emotionally when things get tough, to slow down, and to show your partner that youâre trying to understand.