Our basic relationship needs are not complicated. We need love, connection, and a feeling of belonging. But we now live in complicated social environments, so how we meet those needs is the challenge.

Once you’ve got a good set of people, it’s time to ask: What is the character of these relationships?

Joseph had decided as a young man that in his relationships, two things were more important than anything else: keeping the peace, and being self-sufficient. It was important to him that his life and his family’s life be stable above all else.

The complex emotional lattice of every family is unique in important ways, and our families affect us in ways that other relationships do not. Families share history, experience, and blood as no other relationships can. We can’t replace a person we’ve known for our entire lives. More importantly, we can’t replace a person who’s known us for our entire lives. Nurturing and enriching these relationships despite challenges, persevering, and appreciating the positive things we get from them is worth the trouble. Bob thinks of a moment when, as a young man, he was going through a time in which he was incredibly angry at his parents, and an uncle took him aside. I know you’re mad, his uncle said. But just remember: nobody is ever going to care about you this much ever again.

First, start with yourself. What kinds of automatic reactions do you have to your family members? Are you passing judgment based on past experiences, and foreclosing the opportunity for something different to happen?

One simple thing we can all do is to notice when we find ourselves wanting someone to be different than they are. We can ask ourselves, What if I just let this person be themselves without passing judgment? How would this moment be different? Recognizing another person for who they are and meeting them where they are can go a long way toward deepening a connection.

Second, routines are important. We mentioned in Chapter Seven that one way to enliven intimate relationships is to step out of routines. While breaking up routines can also be great for families who find themselves stuck in the doldrums, the fact is that family relationships are often defined by their regular contact. This is true for families that live under the same roof together, and it’s especially true for families that are living apart. Regular get-togethers, dinners, phone calls, and text messages all serve, in combination, to glue a family together. As life changes and becomes more complicated, finding new rituals can help keep family connections alive when they would otherwise wither. Regular contact used to happen more often through religious events like baptisms, Ramadan, and bar/bat mitzvahs. These still occur of course, but as the world becomes more secular, some families struggle to find replacements.