The point is that release of feelings should always be a choice. It is not all of the picture, and it does not need to be the sole target of our attention or skill in listening. And feelings are not usually a reliable guide for intelligent decision-making (although they are in practice the root of most people’s decisions).

But release of emotion does help us think better and more fully for ourselves. You can probably remember times when you expressed your feelings with people who listened, who did not silence or interrupt you, or inject their own feelings. Most likely you were able then to think more calmly, and more clearly.

The principle I use to sum up the component of feelings in a thinking environment is not just a quip: crying can make you smarter.

It really can.

Getting into the habit of recoding the risk level in many of our activities, along with the stakes we incur in carrying them out, is a vital, life-enhancing capability. By cultivating this habit, we lighten the emotional load. We have more than enough situations in our lives where vigilance is essential; when it’s not, we can proceed in a more playful and lighthearted way—even when we’re doing things that are important to us (cooking, writing an essay, learning a new language). In consistent contexts with low stakes (folding the laundry, going for a run), a casual, business-as-usual approach is fine. Pausing to consider (or, more typically, reconsider) the stakes allows us to titrate vigilance, mitigating its emotional and cognitive tax.

Safeguard Strategy 2: Automatic Rules for Success

Why not bypass individual choices altogether and creat an automatic behaviour— a rule— that requires no decision-making in the moment and that gets no pushback from others?

There are two safeguards against binary thinking. The first is this:

Safeguard: Imagine that one of the options is off the table. Take each of the options you’re considering, and one at a time, ask yourself, “What would I do if that were not possible?”

Suppose you’re considering what to do about a job where you don’t get along with a coworker. Binary thinking tells you to stay or leave. Imagining one option is off the table forces you to see the problem differently. Imagine that, for some reason, there is absolutely no way to quit your job: You must stay. Now you are forced to see things through a new lens. What could you do to make going to work every day more enjoyable, despite the problem with your coworker? What could you do to remain at your job and still move closer to your goals? What could you do to give yourself more options in the future so you’re not stuck feeling powerless? Maybe staying means having a hard conversation with your boss and your coworker that you haven’t had yet. Maybe it means putting in for a transfer to another department. Maybe it means asking your boss if you can work remotely.

Many of us have a hard time learning from our decisions. One reason is that our thinking and decision-making process is often invisible to us. We inadvertently conceal from ourselves the steps we took to reach our final decision. Once that decision gets made, we don’t stop to reflect, but just move forward. And when we look back at our decision later, our ego manipulates our memories. We confuse what we know now with what we knew at the time we made the decision. And we see the outcomes and read them back into our intentions: “Oh, I meant to do that.”

If you don’t check your thinking at the time you made the decision— what you knew, what you thought was important, and how you reasoned about it— you’ll never know whether you made a good decision or just got lucky. If you want to learn from decisions, you need to make the invisible thought process as visible and open to scrutiny as possible. The following safeguard can help:

Safeguard: Keep a record of your thoughts at the time you make the decision.