James said he couldnāt spare the time from working. But surely ā surely ā that was a lie. Meanwhile, James lived in fear. Because the only students he knew were the handful that the timetable paired him with, it was entirely possible that in other tutorials there would be dozens of people far better than him.
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Expectations were high, my performance low. I knew the subject, but somehow couldnāt articulate my ideas coherently. Delegates didnāt hold back when it came to criticism and told me afterwards that my strategy was unclear, my content muddled and that I had given them no clear direction. It would have been so easy for me to have run my presentation by Louis in the days before I gave it - but I hadnāt wanted to subject myself to negative feedback. So Iād blundered on. I felt that Iād blown it and feared being sent back home.
As Mark Lepper and his colleagues put it:
Exactly those things that one would do to present information to students most efficiently about the existence and sources of their errors and misconceptions are, at least for unconfident remedial [reputation-threatened] students, precisely the same things that seem likely to further undermine these studentsā sense of competence and control.
The expert tutors understood that studentsā first need was for someone to believe in their potential to learn, despite their reputation. The best tutors understood that students wouldnāt learn much without this. They understood the importance of being āwise.
He couldnāt see how it made any difference to Tescoās grand plans if he gave his presentation on Friday instead of tomorrow. But his manager insisted. It was irritating to be subject to someone elseās arbitrariness. It was just a culture of performative zeal. McKinseyites were supposed to be the shock troops of capitalism, sacrificing themselves to smash through problems. James was supposed to be eagerly hurling himself into the fray. But he couldnāt quite get himself geed up.
Heād never experienced imposter syndrome. As a boy, when his school didnāt offer calculus, he taught himself. A formative experience. Usually he was more able than required. But for the first time he did not feel equal to the task. He had only a human mind, limited, fallible, trained on the flawed theories of the day. His only tools were a few flimsy degrees, some things heād read, some hunches and convictions that over the years had solidified into fixed beliefs.
Javier might make a better head of engineering than Alan. Maybe. It was premature. James needed to watch him for a while. Javier was not a follower; he would try to impose himself on the company. That would cost stress and effort to restrain. But better a strong beast you had to fight to keep in harness than an obstinate little mule with no imagination who only ever said that it couldnāt be done.