And, then, what qualities are you ready to part ways with? In other words, which qualities are like toxins best removed from your system? The capacity for change with a ballast of continuity defines the Modern Elder.

We give everyone we dismiss a big severance—enough to take care of themselves and their families until they move on to another job. Each time we let go of someone, we offer several months’ salary (from four months for an individual contributor to nine months for a vice president). That’s why we say: ADEQUATE PERFORMANCE GETS A GENEROUS SEVERANCE.

To some people, this will sound prohibitively expensive. And it probably would be, if it weren’t for our efforts to eliminate unnecessary control processes.

The between-identities phase of a career transition is about bringing possibilities to life, proving they are feasible and not just pipe dreams, and learning whether they are appealing in practice or only in theory. To discard outdated identities once and for all (that is, to do the work of ending), we need some good substitutes. Old possible selves are always more vivid than the new: They are attached to familiar routines, to people we trust, to well-rehearsed stories. The selves that have existed only in our minds as fantasies or that are grounded only in fleeting encounters with people who captured our imagination are much fuzzier, fragile, unformed. The middle period is the incubator in which provisional identities are brought, tentatively, into the world via the projects we start, the people we meet, and the meaning we lend to the events of that period.

Welcoming. When we enter a setting that is important to us— a university, a recreational area, a diversity workshop, a workplace— a churn-causing question hangs in the air: How will my identity— who I am— affect my experience here? To build trust in diverse settings, it’s important to give people a welcoming experience that addresses that question.

Once leaders realize the necessity of change, they can begin to explore the possibilities of change. The second phase involves considerable discomfort and a good deal of frustration because new skills take more work to build than anticipated. Falling back into old habits is common, especially when dealing with high-pressure situations. Backsliding should be expected and not taken as an indication of failure. Progress unfolds through an iterative process of steps forward, lapses backward, and then steps forward again.

With perseverance, positive reinforcement kicks in, which provides sustaining fuel for continued effort through the third phase of leader evolution.