You need natural pauses so people can catch up to you—so customers and reviewers can give you feedback that you can then integrate into the next version. And so your team can understand what the customer doesn’t.

In a meeting, for example, we think attendees will be more likely to listen if the boss says something rather than a subordinate. Or that the same idea will have more impact if a higher-status person brings it up.

And that’s partially right. Status does matter. Sometimes. When students thought they were listening to a higher-status speaker, for example, they thought that person was a stronger, more dynamic presenter.

But what the speaker said mattered a lot more. Hesitating hurt. Speakers who hesitated were seen as less intelligent, less well informed, and less qualified. Listeners thought they had less expertise, and saw them as lower status, regardless of what their title actually was.

Words do more than just convey facts and opinions. They signal how confident communicators are in the facts and opinions they are expressing. Consequently, words influence how we’re perceived and the impact of what we say. Want to be perceived more positively? Increase your impact?

• Ditch the hedges. When the goal is to convey confidence, avoid words and phrases like “may,” “could,” and “in my opinion,” which suggest that things, and the people saying them, are uncertain

• Use definites. Rather than hedging, use definites instead. Words like “definitely,” “clearly,” and “obviously,” which suggest whatever was said isn’t just an opinion, it’s an irrefutable truth.

• Don’t hesitate. Ums and uhs are natural parts of speech, but too many of them can undermine people’s confidence in us and our message. So cut the fillers. To decrease hesitations, plan what to say in advance or pause to collect your thoughts when needed.

• Turn pasts into presents. Using the present tense can communicate confidence and increase persuasion. So to signal certainty, rather than using past tense (e.g., “I loved that book”), use present tense (e.g., “I love that book”) instead.

• Know when to express doubt. While seeming to be certain is often beneficial, if we want to show we’re open minded, receptive to opposing viewpoints, or aware of nuances, expressing doubt can help.

By harnessing the language of confidence, we can signal our expertise, showcase our

openness to opposing viewpoints, and encourage others to go along with what we’re suggesting.

Also, the best appreciation is about a quality in the person that is not based on the content of the person’s thinking turn. It needs to be a quality you’ve noticed in them generally.

And it needs to be free of any mention of the dynamics of the session like: ‘Your listening so well made such a huge difference to me,’ or ‘Your thinking was marvellous.’ Appreciations like that can register subtly as assessments. They can weaken the safety for the next time.

Designate one day this week to be your slow day. Then when you have a conversation, take five seconds before responding. Seriously. Every time. It will seem odd at first. And your conversation partner might wonder if you were recently bonked on the head. But pausing a few additional seconds to respond can hone your listening skills in much the same way that savoring a piece of chocolate, instead of wolfing it down, can improve your palate. (If a whole day is too much, start smaller; try it for an hour.)