So telling children they’re smart, in the end, made them feel dumber and act dumber, but claim they were smarter. I don’t think this is what we’re aiming for when we put positive labels - “gifted,” “talented,” “brilliant” - on people. We don’t mean to rob them of their zest for challenge and their recipes for success. But that’s the danger.

Consequently, whether to use pronouns or not depends on how we want to assign credit or blame, and how subjective or objective we want what is being said to seem.

Asking for advice is more effective, though, because it’s less overt. Rather than telling someone they’re great, asking them for advice shows that you hold them in high regard. That you think they’re smart and value their opinion.

Consequently, not only does asking for advice gather valuable insights, it also makes the asker seem more competent.

The key is asking a related question that shows interest. Signaling that we are seeking relevant information rather than hiding it.

The more aversion there is to revealing certain information, the more important it becomes to ask questions that avoid making (positive) assumptions. Avoid presuming the absence of an issue.