Stuck on a tough problem? Want to be more creative or encourage creativity in others? Foster a could mindset. Rather than thinking about what should be done, ask what could be done instead. Doing so encourages us and others to take agency, consider new paths, and turn roadblocks into opportunities.

The same holds when asking others for advice. When asking for help, we tend to do so in a specific way: we ask people what they think we should do.

Though this makes sense in some ways, it’s not always the best approach. Asking what they think we could do will encourage them to think more broadly and give us better, more creative direction.

So asking for advice can make us look smart because it strokes the advice giver’s ego.

The key is asking a related question that shows interest. Signaling that we are seeking relevant information rather than hiding it.

People want to think for themselves more than they want to think as someone else. Offering people ideas, only when they ask us, and only through the language of information and experience, keeps them thinking for themselves. And ironically that language increases the chances that our ideas will penetrate. The language of information and experience is not an interruption. The language of advice is.

Too often, the people we ask for feedback are kind but not nice. Kind people will tell you things a nice person will not. A kind person will tell you that you have spinach on your teeth. A nice person wont because it’s uncomfortable. A kind person will tell us what holds us back even when it’s uncomfortable. A nice person avoids giving us critical feedback because they’re worried about hurting our feelings. No wonder we end up thinking people will be interested in our excuses.