By taking consistent actions and avoiding inconsistent ones, we can signal to ourselves that we are the type of person we want to be.

But this is where it gets interesting, because if people want to look certain ways, then framing certain actions as opportunities to confirm desired identities can encourage them to behave accordingly.

But when it’s happening to us, it’s hard to get that distance. We’re so caught up in the situation that we can’t think straight. Our emotions run wild and get the best of us. Attention narrows, we ruminate on the negative, and can’t seem to break free.

Said another way, present tense suggests that speakers don’t just have an opinion, they are relatively certain about it.

The key is asking a related question that shows interest. Signaling that we are seeking relevant information rather than hiding it.

The more aversion there is to revealing certain information, the more important it becomes to ask questions that avoid making (positive) assumptions. Avoid presuming the absence of an issue.