A therapist never acts or speaks without art. You can never be completely natural, which is to say, unconscious. You are an artist of the psyche. You donât set the tone, you let your client do that, because in that tone may be a way deeper into the problem and therefore out of it.
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You ask yourself: What is the underlying plot in my clientâs story? What is the main emotion? Where is she trying to take me in understanding her? What is her preoccupation? The questions you ask yourself grow darker. How does she unconsciously interfere with the therapy? Is she leaving out important parts of the story? What is her bias? These questions make your listening suitably complex and sophisticated. A good listener is not just someone who hears everything but someone who hears what is not spoken or what has been suppressed or mangled. The therapist is a detective sometimes, knowing that the client, although wanting to be open and honest, wonât tell you the whole story. You donât let this situation make you cynical. You can still love and admire your client. You simply know that human nature is complicated and the deep stories are slow to emerge. Resistance is not usually intentional but rather an expression of the neurosis.
âIn some ways therapy is an artificial conversation. I donât mean that in a negative way. I mean that you talk as though you were in a drama, where every word counts. You must understand that as therapist you have considerable power. The words you use are not the usual ones. They may be the same dictionary words, but in context they have an elevated standing. You must take care with them, because they can have more force than you intend and can either help or harm.
You remember that youâre not an ordinary person in this relationship. You are the therapist or a friend in a good position to help. It wonât hurt the relationship to wonder about her sincerity or honesty. As a therapist, you can expect a client to be dishonest. Thatâs material. Itâs part of the complex youâre helping with. If your client is perfect, what is there to talk about? Therapy does not require full honesty. It would be better to hear the story with all its protective shields and misdirections than a tale cleaned up for therapeutic use. As a therapist you cannot be naĂŻve. You have to expect shadow, expect to be manipulated. Itâs all right. This is a basic human effort to risk telling a story by getting to the real facts slowly, one at a time. You canât do it perfectly or purely. Only a moralistic therapist would expect unalloyed truth. A soulful therapist does not ask for purity but only a valiant effort to be present.
A therapist might have to relax in ways that have more substance than the mindless escapes people often use. When I suggest good movies and books and the study of art history, I am putting together the pleasure of images and the weight of real study. Of course there is time for ultramindlessness, but in general a therapist who is always âonâ needs pleasures that themselves are deep and character building.
If I am dealing with a particularly shaken person, I keep the boundaries strict and firm, but with most clients I make a point to be present as more than the therapist. I talk a little about, my life. If the client asks about how things are going for me, I tell him. I may bring up an experience of mine that seems apropos. I do all this thoughtfully and minimally, just enough to be present as a person. My purpose is to serve the soul of the person I want to help. I hold back my own needs for a different occasion.