Accompaniment is a necessary stage in getting to know a person precisely because it is
so gentle and measured. As D. H. Lawrence put it:
Whoever wants life must go softly towards life, softly as one would go towards a deer and fawn that are nestling under a tree. One gesture of violence, one violent assertion of self- will and life is gone But with quietness, with an abandon of self-assertion and a fullness
of the deep true self one can approach another human being, and know the delicate best
of life, the touch.
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FOUR: Accompaniment
âAfter the illuminating gaze, accompaniment is the next step in getting to know a person.
Accompaniment, in this meaning, is an other-centered way of moving through life. When youâre accompanying someone, youâre in a state of relaxed awarenessâattentive and sensitive and unhurried. Youâre not leading or directing the other person. Youâre just riding alongside as they experience the ebbs and flows of daily life. Youâre there to be of help, a faithful presence, open to whatever may come. Your movements are marked not by
willfulness but by willingnessâyouâre willing to let the relationship deepen or not deepen, without forcing it either way. You are acting in a way that lets other people be perfectly themselves.
Accompaniment is a humble way of being a helpful part of anotherâs journey, as they go about making their own kind of music.
If Iâd been better schooled back then in the art of accompaniment, I would have
understood how important it is to honor another personâs ability to make choices. I hope I would have understood, as good accompanists do, that everybody is in their own spot, on their own pilgrimage, and your job is to meet them where they are, help them chart their own course. I wish I had followed some advice that is rapidly becoming an adage: Let others voluntarily evolve.
I like the Gottlieb-and-John story because it illuminates many of the gentle skills it takes to be truly receptiveâparticularly, the ability to be generous about human frailty, to be patient and let others emerge at their own paceâbut it also illuminates the mental toughness that is sometimes required. The wise person is there not to be walked over but to stand up for the actual truth, to call the other person out when need be, if they are hiding from some hard reality. âReceptivity without confrontation leads to a bland neutrality that serves nobody,â the theologian Henri Nouwen wrote. âConfrontation without receptivity leads to an oppressive aggression which hurts everybody.ââ (Brooks, âHow to Know a
Personâ, p.259)
âItâs about how to tell someone about their shortcomings in a way that offers maximal support. Let me give you a trivial, everyday example of why critiquing with care can be so effective. When Iâm writing, I sometimes unconsciously know that a part of what Iâm writing is not working. I have these vague vibrations that something is wrong, kind of like the vibrations you feel when you leave the house and you subtly sense youâve left something important behind but you donât know what. I often suppress these vibrations because Iâm lazy or I want to be finished with the work. Invariably a good editor will locate the exact spot I semiconsciously knew wasnât working. Itâs only when the editor has named it for me that I fully face the fact that I need to make some changes. Critiquing with care works best when someone names something we ourselves almost but did not quite know. Critiquing with care works best when that naming happens within a context of unconditional regard, that just and loving attention that conveys unshakable respect for another personâs struggles.