NINE: Hard Conversations
“I’ve talked to experts and read books on the subject, of which my favorites include High Conflict by Amanda Ripley, I Never Thought of It That Way by Mónica Guzmán, and, especially, Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.
Related Quotes
Behavioral scientists have conducted hundreds of studies about the differences between powerful and powerless words and phrases. We are especially smitten with research led by Jonah Berger at the University of Pennsylvania and by our Stanford colleague Jennifer Aaker. We draw mostly on their work to generate five tips about the kind of talk that provokes people to act, persist, and develop imaginative solutions.
Creating Conversations: Improvisation in Everyday Discourse by R. Keith Sawyer. Sawyer is a leading scholar of creativity.
This being fierce with the reality of what is requires the bravery to ask of oneself three challenging and yet powerfully liberating questions:
- What am I not saying that needs to be said?
- What am I saying (in words or deeds) that’s not being heard?
- What’s being said that I’m not hearing?
We too often think that deep conversations have to be painful or vulnerable conversations. I try to compensate for that by asking questions about the positive sides of life:
- “Tell me about a time you adapted to change.”
- “What’s working really well in your life?”
- “What are you most self-confident about?”
- “Which of your five senses is strongest?”
- “Have you ever been solitary without feeling lonely?” or
- “What has become clearer to you as you have aged?
FIFTEEN: Life Stories
“As a behavioral psychologist, he was well aware that social connection is the number one source of happiness, success, good health, and much of the sweetness of life. Human beings are social animals who love to communicate with each other. Yet on this commuter train that day, he looked around and it hit him: Nobody was talking to anyone. It was just headphones and screens. And he wondered: Why aren’t these people doing the thing that makes them the happiest? He later conducted some experiments in which he induced people to talk with other commuters during their rides downtown. When the ride was over and they arrived at their destination, researchers were there to ask them how much they enjoyed the trip. The comments were overwhelmingly positive.