It’s a fact of human nature that people perform better when they have a positive self-image. Psychologists in a variety of experiments have found that people’s performance—objectively measured—improves or declines depending on the type of feedback they get. Positive feedback tends to improve performance, whereas negative feedback tends to decrease performance.

The pull to look at the negative is a very strong one—the Berkeley psychologist Rick Hanson sums up the research memorably when he says, “the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones”—which is why making this a conscious habit is so important.

But what we forget is that while it’s easy for us to parse, others may not feel the same way. While we have spent lots of time thinking about something, or know a lot about it, we often fail to account for the fact that others may not be in the same position.

The point is that your brain’s reward system is influenced directly by emotions and less directly by what society labels as “good” and “bad.” As humans, we are deeply wired for emotions, which is why most of us are a mixed bag of habits—some we want and plenty we don’t.

Second, resilient people make more positive attributions about events than those who become anxious or depressed. How they explain failures to themselves is balanced and realistic, rather than exaggerated and colored by shame.