“At its simplest this means start paying attention to what you find yourself paying attention to. Yes, school and work are going to force you to focus on certain subjects and classes, but can you find a way to filter out some of their noise? Can you, instead, catch sight of yourself catching sight of something? Something unprompted by anyone else. Something that you see, that makes you laugh or intrigues you. Something that others, when you describe it to them, may not quite understand. Something that, when you’re alone—late at night, early in the morning, walking someplace—you find popping unbidden into your mind.

Love is the quality of attention we pay to things. — J. D. McClatchy

We discuss the massively important concept of social fitness and why it’s just as crucial as physical fitness. We explore how curiosity and attention can improve relationships and well-being; and offer some strategies for how to deal with the fact that relationships also pose some of our greatest challenges.

We are pointing here to a truth that is difficult to put into words; like love, attention is a gift that flows both ways. When we give our attention, we are giving life, but we are also feeling more alive in the process.

In Chapter Five we mentioned a meditation instruction that’s useful in enhancing our everyday ability to notice and pay attention to the world, and this meditation is equally useful when we interact with our families. It is to ask ourselves the question: What’s here that I’ve never noticed before?

It can be asked about a relationship just as easily as it can be asked about an environment. What is there about my relationship with this person that I’ve never noticed before? What have I been missing?