Since then, this so-called Fast Friends technique has helped create emotional bonds between thousands of strangers. Art uses them regularly in his lectures and freshman classes to help people connect. People have applied them to help facilitate cross-race friendships and reduce prejudice. They’ve even been used to bolster trust and improve understanding between police officers and community members in cities where tensions are running high.

Developing close relationships often involves self-disclosure. Eventual friends or partners don’t start close. They start by exchanging pleasantries, making chitchat, and filling conversational space.

But what often separates relationships that evolve into something more is the ability to move past that. To go beyond the small talk and get to something deeper. To reveal things about oneself, learn things about someone else, and truly connect.

The Fast Friends questions help. They don’t start too big, but they also don’t stay too small. They start safe and they build, becoming increasingly probing and revealing. And by requiring both parties to respond, they ensure everyone is contributing, deepening trust. The sustained, escalating, and reciprocal self-disclosure strengthens interconnectedness and can bring any two people closer together.

Start safe, then build. Deep self-disclosure requires social connection. But to get to that point, people need to feel safe first. So to deepen social relationships, or turn strangers into friends, start simple and build from there, encouraging reciprocal self-disclosure. Knowing what to ask, and when, can help us make better impressions, collect useful information, and foster more meaningful connections with those around us.

Beyond questions, though, there’s another type of magic word that deserves attention, and that is the language of concreteness.

Until we have a story, others view us as unfocused. It is harder to get their help. Equally important is having a good story to tell others, putting it into the public sphere even before it is fully formed. By making public declarations about what we seek and what common thread binds our old and new selves, we clarify our intentions and improve our ability to enlist others’ support. This is partially a problem of self-marketing. We need someone to take a chance on us since, by definition, we are moving into a new and unproven realm.