And therein lies the challenge. Deep self-disclosure requires social connection. But to get to that social connection, people need to have disclosed things about themselves previously. This catch-22 is part of the reason why the Fast Friends procedure is so effective. Rather than jumping to the heavy stuff right away, it eases people in, encouraging gradual self-disclosure.

The Fast Friends questions help. They don’t start too big, but they also don’t stay too small. They start safe and they build, becoming increasingly probing and revealing. And by requiring both parties to respond, they ensure everyone is contributing, deepening trust. The sustained, escalating, and reciprocal self-disclosure strengthens interconnectedness and can bring any two people closer together.

Start safe, then build. Deep self-disclosure requires social connection. But to get to that point, people need to feel safe first. So to deepen social relationships, or turn strangers into friends, start simple and build from there, encouraging reciprocal self-disclosure. Knowing what to ask, and when, can help us make better impressions, collect useful information, and foster more meaningful connections with those around us.

Beyond questions, though, there’s another type of magic word that deserves attention, and that is the language of concreteness.

But although people often think it makes sense to jump into addressing the issue at hand, that’s not actually the best course of action. When we analyzed hundreds of problem-solving conversations, we found that connecting first was key, starting with warmer, more emotional language before diving into addressing the issues.

Relationship building (or maintenance) helps set the stage for whatever comes next. It strengthens social connection and builds rapport. Consequently, warm, emotional language is particularly useful at the beginning of a conversation.

We’re becoming comfortable with each other, and comfort is no small thing. Nothing can be heard in the mind until the situation feels safe and familiar to the body. Small talk and just casually being around someone is a vastly underappreciated stage in the process of getting to know someone. Sometimes you can learn more about a person by watching how they talk to a waiter than by asking some profound question about their philosophy of life.

Even when you know someone well, I find that if you don’t talk about the little things on a regular basis, it’s hard to talk about the big things.