All I have to go on are experience and instinct. Experience has taught me this: Youāve done everything you needed to do, and thereās no sense in rehashing it. All you can do now is wait for the race. And what instinct has taught me is one thing only: Use your imagination. So I close my eyes and see it all. I imagine myself, along with thousands of other runners, going through Brooklyn, through Harlem, through the streets of New York.
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āI didnāt do well in the event. I came in fourth and to this day, I donāt know what happened except to say I couldnāt find the zone. I didnāt yet understand that racing wasnāt just about being fast, it was also about strategizing and quieting the mind. I was used to running alone, my only company at times just cows and sheep and goats. I was used to running in South Africa. I couldnāt yet control my nerves. I resolved to learn and never lose again.
No matter how mundane some action might appear, keep at it long enough and it becomes a contemplative, even meditative act. As a writer, then, and as a runner, I donāt find that writing and publishing a book of my own personal thoughts about running makes me stray too far off my usual path. Perhaps Iām just too painstaking a type of person, but I canāt grasp much of anything without putting down my thoughts in writing, so I had to actually get my hands working and write these words. Otherwise, Iād never know what running means to me.
I just run. I run in a void. Or maybe I should put it the other way: I run in order to acquire a void. But as you might expect, an occasional thought will slip into this void. Peopleās minds canāt be a complete blank. Human beingsā emotions are not strong or consistent enough to sustain a vacuum. What I mean is, the kinds of thoughts and ideas that invade my emotions as I run remain subordinate to that void. Lacking content, they are just random thoughts that gather around that central void.
But I donāt think itās merely willpower that makes you able to do something. The world isnāt that simple. To tell the truth, I donāt even think thereās that much correlation between my running every day and whether or not I have a strong will. I think Iāve been able to run for more than twenty years for a simple reason: It suits me. Or at least because I donāt find it all that painful. Human beings naturally continue doing things they like, and they donāt continue what they donāt like. Admittedly, something close to will does play a small part in that. But no matter how strong a will a person has, no matter how much he may hate to lose, if itās an activity he doesnāt really care for, he wonāt keep it up for long. Even if he did, it wouldnāt be good for him.
From out of the failures and joys I always try to come away having grasped a concrete lesson. (Itās got to be concrete, no matter how small it is.) And I hope that, over time, as one race follows another, in the end Iāll reach a place Iām content with. Or maybe just catch a glimpse of it. (Yes, thatās a more appropriate way of putting it.)