“In that sense a therapist or good friend listens to another to find out who she is, what is special about her. In this kind of listening you not only take in someone’s words but also discover who they are.

Listening without some degree of intimacy isn’t really listening. It’s passive and transactional rather than active and engaged.

Listening to another involves listening to what your utterance means to him or her, not to you. When they speak, it means listening to more than just their words, but reaching for the concerns and understandings that underlie the words…

Listening, I’ve come to understand, is bearing witness to lives unfolding, to lives being discovered. Deep listening, listening compassionately, means guiding, gently nudging, or sometimes shoving people down the path of radical self-inquiry so they can make their way to their own truest selves. Then, and only then, can they lead with the dignity and grace of being human.

Listening involves patience, openness, and the desire to understand—highly developed qualities of character. It’s so much easier to operate from a low emotional level and to give high-level advice.