While we are all aware of these kinds of behaviors because we see them in others, most of us do not realize that we distort our own view of the world, largely because we think we see more than we actually do.

In some way, this is what I want to convey to April. We all wish we could just eliminate the dysfunctional parts of us. In pushing against what we do not like in ourselves, we get more knotted up. The shame, discomfort, embarrassment, and pain just reinforce the hold the whole thing has over us, and, in the process, we over-identify with an aspect of ourselves that does not need to define us so completely. Seeing this overidentification clearly is what I think of as insight.

We are full of preconceptions about ourselves and are limited by them. The actuality of our being is not something we have an easy time making room for.

Tracing forward from these remembrances of things past gives us the chance to re-experience and reframe these beliefs. Doing so liberates us from the confounding forces we label as fate, destiny, or—even more frequently—the other person’s “fault.” We will never sort through them all, of course, but what we don’t sort through impedes our happiness. It tricks us into using the rest of our lives—and the people we love, the professions we choose, the organizations we lead—to try to close the gaping wounds from childhood.

The vulnerable child in each of us gets caught between the urge to be himself and the fear that doing so will bring shame and humiliation. The temptation to stay unseen (and, thus, safe) is strong.