The client, of course, thinks that the opposite place is glorious, the solution, happiness. The woman who thinks she is too weak would like desperately to be strong and powerful. But in fact she is already forceful, only her power is not effective and is hidden to her eyes. She does not know she is so controlling and full of muscle in her relationships. But if you were to talk to her friends, you would probably hear many stories about her annoying power issues and tendency to control. People who identify as being passive are often hyperactive and strong-willed.

A serious problem with reactive language is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. People become reinforced in the paradigm that they are determined, and they produce evidence to support the belief. They feel increasingly victimized and out of control, not in charge of their life or their destiny. They blame outside forces—other people, circumstances, even the stars—for their own situation.

If I have a problem in my marriage, what do I really gain by continually confessing my wife’s sins? By saying I’m not responsible, I make myself a powerless victim; I immobilize myself in a negative situation. I also diminish my ability to influence her—my nagging, accusing, critical attitude only makes her feel validated in her own weakness. My criticism is worse than the conduct I want to correct. My ability to positively impact the situation withers and dies.

Each of us has cultivated certain coping strategies through our lives, and they can become set in stone. This kind of “strength” can actually make us more fragile.

There are points in the process of becoming a chronic victim when people realize they’re lying to themselves. They realize the story they’re telling themselves isn’t quite true. They know they’re responsible. But facing reality and taking responsibility is hard. It’s uncomfortable. It’s so much easier to hide and to blame other people, circumstances, or luck.