Competing against time isnāt important. Whatās going to be much more meaningful to me now is how much I can enjoy myself, whether I can finish twenty-six miles with a feeling of contentment. Iāll enjoy and value things that canāt be expressed in numbers, and Iāll grope for a feeling of pride that comes from a slightly different place.
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Right now Iām aiming at increasing the distance I run, so speed is less of an issue. As long as I can run a certain distance, thatās all I care about. Sometimes I run fast when I feel like it, but if I increase the pace I shorten the amount of time I run, the point being to let the exhilaration I feel at the end of each run carry over to the next day. This is the same sort of tack I find necessary when writing a novel. I stop every day right at the point where I feel I can write more. Do that, and the next dayās work goes surprisingly smoothly. I think Ernest Hemingway did something like that. To keep on going, you have to keep up the rhythm. This is the important thing for long-term projects. Once you set the pace, the rest will follow. The problem is getting the flywheel to spin at a set speedāand to get to that point takes as much concentration and effort as you can manage.
As I mentioned before, competing against other people, whether in daily life or in my field of work, is just not the sort of lifestyle Iām after. Forgive me for stating the obvious, but the world is made up of all kinds of people. Other people have their own values to live by, and the same holds true with me. These differences give rise to disagreements, and the combination of these disagreements can give rise to even greater misunderstandings.
But I donāt think itās merely willpower that makes you able to do something. The world isnāt that simple. To tell the truth, I donāt even think thereās that much correlation between my running every day and whether or not I have a strong will. I think Iāve been able to run for more than twenty years for a simple reason: It suits me. Or at least because I donāt find it all that painful. Human beings naturally continue doing things they like, and they donāt continue what they donāt like. Admittedly, something close to will does play a small part in that. But no matter how strong a will a person has, no matter how much he may hate to lose, if itās an activity he doesnāt really care for, he wonāt keep it up for long. Even if he did, it wouldnāt be good for him.
Since Iām a writer with limitsāan imperfect person living an imperfect, limited lifeāthe fact that I can still feel this way is a real accomplishment. Calling it a miracle might be an exaggeration, but I really do feel this way. And if running every day helps me accomplish this, then Iām very grateful to running.
From out of the failures and joys I always try to come away having grasped a concrete lesson. (Itās got to be concrete, no matter how small it is.) And I hope that, over time, as one race follows another, in the end Iāll reach a place Iām content with. Or maybe just catch a glimpse of it. (Yes, thatās a more appropriate way of putting it.)