(Some years ago, he explained to me his belief that that kind of hollow consolation was disrespectful because it presumed that the person being consoled wouldnāt see or care about the absence of reason. The thing to do first and foremost, he believed, was not to talk but to listen, and listening, like anything difficult, is easier said than done.).
Related Quotes
This sort of gap between what a person says and what he makes you feel is not uncommon ā think of the friend who rings you when youāre down, talks to you in an encouraging, supportive way, but leaves you feeling worse. The space between Mattās words and the feelings he provoked in me was enormous. He was describing a life that was frightening, but I didnāt feel frightened for him. I felt uncharacteristically disengaged.
For a long time, including the day I met Emily, I believed that decent people did not wish to cause suffering. This I now know not to be true.
I am reminded of what Einstein said on the death of his friend: He has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. For us believing physicists, the distinction between past, present and future is only a stubborn illusion.
Thereās something about doing it with someone else, she said, something in just talking about it, something about how it leaves you feeling afterward. Decisions seem lighter; everything is lighter.
I like the Gottlieb-and-John story because it illuminates many of the gentle skills it takes to be truly receptiveāparticularly, the ability to be generous about human frailty, to be patient and let others emerge at their own paceābut it also illuminates the mental toughness that is sometimes required. The wise person is there not to be walked over but to stand up for the actual truth, to call the other person out when need be, if they are hiding from some hard reality. āReceptivity without confrontation leads to a bland neutrality that serves nobody,ā the theologian Henri Nouwen wrote. āConfrontation without receptivity leads to an oppressive aggression which hurts everybody.āā (Brooks, āHow to Know a
Personā, p.259)
āItās about how to tell someone about their shortcomings in a way that offers maximal support. Let me give you a trivial, everyday example of why critiquing with care can be so effective. When Iām writing, I sometimes unconsciously know that a part of what Iām writing is not working. I have these vague vibrations that something is wrong, kind of like the vibrations you feel when you leave the house and you subtly sense youāve left something important behind but you donāt know what. I often suppress these vibrations because Iām lazy or I want to be finished with the work. Invariably a good editor will locate the exact spot I semiconsciously knew wasnāt working. Itās only when the editor has named it for me that I fully face the fact that I need to make some changes. Critiquing with care works best when someone names something we ourselves almost but did not quite know. Critiquing with care works best when that naming happens within a context of unconditional regard, that just and loving attention that conveys unshakable respect for another personās struggles.