And all these different skills rest on one foundational skill: the ability to understand what another person is going through. There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seenâto accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood. That is at the heart of being a good person, the ultimate gift you can give to others and to yourself.
Related Quotes
How to Know a Person Part 1: I SEE YOU
ONE: The Power of Being Seen
âWise people donât just possess information; they possess a compassionate
understanding of other people. They know about life.â (Brooks, âHow to Know a Personâ,
p.7)
âBeing open-hearted is a prerequisite for being a full, kind, and wise human being. But it is
not enough. People need social skills.
The roots of resilience,â the psychologist Diana Fosha writes, âare to be found in the sense of being understood by and existing in the mind and heart of a loving, attuned, and self-possessed other.â In how you see me, I will learn to see myself.
Empathy consists of at least three related skills. First, there is the skill of mirroring. This is the act of accurately catching the emotion of the person in front of you.
Right now, youâre reading a book Iâve written. Reading and writing are both forms of communication. So are speaking and listening. In fact, those are the four basic types of communication. And think of all the hours you spend doing at least one of those four things. The ability to do them well is absolutely critical to your effectiveness. Communication is the most important skill in life. We spend most of our waking hours communicating. But consider this: Youâve spent years learning how to read and write, years learning how to speak. But what about listening? What training or education have you had that enables you to listen so that you really, deeply understand another human being from that individualâs own frame of reference? Comparatively few people have had any training in listening at all. And, for the most part, their training has been in the Personality Ethic of technique, truncated from the character base and the relationship base absolutely vital to authentic understanding of another person. If you want to interact effectively with me, to influence meâyour spouse, your child, your neighbor, your boss, your coworker, your friendâyou first need to understand me. And you canât do that with technique alone. If I sense youâre using some technique, I sense duplicity, manipulation. I wonder why youâre doing it, what your motives are. And I donât feel safe enough to open myself up to you. The real key to your influence with me is your example, your actual conduct. Your example flows naturally out of your character, or the kind of person you truly areânot what others say you are or what you may want me to think you are. It is evident in how I actually experience you. Your character is constantly radiating, communicating. From it, in the long run, I come to instinctively trust or distrust you and your efforts with me. If your life runs hot and cold, if youâre both caustic and kind, and, above all, if your private performance doesnât square with your public performance, itâs very hard for me to open up with you. Then, as much as I may want and even need to receive your love and influence, I donât feel safe enough to expose my opinions and experiences and my tender feelings. Who knows what will happen?
And watch what happens to you. The more deeply you understand other people, the more you will appreciate them, the more reverent you will feel about them. To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground.